Mama Nay, I need a word with you...

Warning:  Men, you might not want to continue reading. We are about to venture into the land of ladyparts and TMI. On the other hand, if you have women in your life of a certain age, you might wanna read on and get some insight.

Hey, Mother Nature.... can I call you, Mama Nay? 'Kay, thanks... it's Amy, remember me? No? Well, you oughta, you been clownin' me pretty hard for the last six or eight months, now. Not ringin' any bells yet? Well, lemme elaborate for you.


First of all, for 31 years of my life, you have made sure that I have a week and a half of discomfort and inconvenience. I know, you do that to the vast majority of women, it's part of the package. It's this new bullsnit you're on these days that really has me kinda aggy... the whole hot flash, moodswing, complexion chaos, inability to focus, emotional bullsnit.

This snit, this snit right here? No predictability, no rhyme or reason... at any random, inconvenient time at all any one, or combination, of these new pleasantries will smack me out of the clear blue. The hot flashes, while annoying, are at least easily recognizable. While the mood swings, irrationality, and ADD stuff isn't apparent until I look back and realize I just made an ass out of myself for no good reason. And it's not like little over reactions... it can't be that easy. It's  major blow ups over nothing, NOTHING, I tell ya!! 


Major over reactions like this:



Ok, so I have yet to destroy anyone's vehicle, but it could so totally happen!!


And here's the kicker... the other stuff, the usual monthly torment?? Still happening. And worse than ever!! Crampier, moodier, bloatier, heavier than ever before!!


What did I ever do to you? I ain't mess with your man, show up to a party wearing the same dress as you, or question your character, never, not ever!! I ain't did snit to you for you to be such a ragin' beyotch!


So what, I'm sayin' to you Nay, is you on some real shady business right here... and I'm 'bout tired of it. You need to decide which form of torment you like the best and stick to it.

Mama Nay, bish, you play too much.

Yes... that's my kid... *sigh*

It's been a minute.  For the record, school is OFFICIALLY kicking my ass.  I need better people, coz y'all shoulda talked me outta this summer semester nonsense.

Anyway....

I have blog material that has been marinating away in my wee brainy brain for better than a week now b/c I just didn't have a spare moment to post!  But tonight, I have broken away from my homework shackles and escaped into the blogosphere!!

So, it all starts with me at school last Tuesday.  I'm on my way home and Mr. Man texts me that there are power lines down on the side street by our house.  Power's out.  Storm is over.  Well, where I was in class, there were no clouds, much less a storm going on, so I hit him back for details.

Cut to me pulling up in front of the house.  Sure enough, the neighbor's tree is down in the middle of Peach Street, and it took the power line and two poles with it.  I also see my son, whom I love (honestly, I really do!) running around the yard looking like Mowgli... barefoot, no shirt, filthy, and dragging branches around the yard.  Before you ask, he was "building" a hut... no, I don't know why.  Sheesh.

Like any good mother, I tell him to get his little greenbean butt in the house and quit bringing everybody's branches in my dang yard!! I also told him to get a shirt and some shoes on.  Well, I get inside, and I think the boy is in his room playing with his matchbox cars when Mr. Man says, "Woooooow.... they sent a news crew."  Sure enough, a couple of the local stations find it necessary to cover the downed tree.  In all fairness, the storm took out power to a couple thousand homes and businesses, which considering we are in the middle of a cornfield is pretty wide spread, so I guess, since it is a cornfield, that counts as news.

Well the next thing I know, I see my dad (he lives in the basement) walking Roger the Rat Terrier past the dining room window.  First, that man never walks that dog.  Second, that man never walks that dog!!!  Did I mention the news crew?  Long story short: dad gets interviewed, my soul shrivels a little.

I see the news van pull off, and I think the worst is over.

No.  I am so totally wrong.

"Hey, there's another van... channel 3 this time," says Mr. Man.

"For God's sake, don't tell dad!" says me.

A very short while later, it hits me that the boy has been awfully quiet for an awfully long time.

"Ummmm, baby?" says Mr. Man, "You better look out the window...."

And what do I see when I look out the window?  

Lemme tell you.... I see Mowgli riding his bicycle on the street where the downed power lines and fallen tree are stretched out!!!  

"Oh for the love of God!!!!! Marc, go get him!!!!"

The child was riding down our driveway (about 25 feet away from any real danger), down the street smack in the middle of the news crew's shot, up the sidewalk and across the yard back to the driveway, over, and over, and over again in a blatant attempt to get on the news!  So Mr. Man goes and retrieves my media hungry child and brings his bad lil' butt back in the house.

It's not five minutes later.... "Daaaaannnnngggg..... baby, look out the window..."

Now before you think he was on his bike again, let me tell you, he does listen for the most part, and when the big man told him to put his bike up, he did.  However.... my child was in the yard, not 10 feet away from where the news crew was interviewing a dude from the county safety commission, serenading them ON HIS GUITAR with "Ol' Joe Clark."

"Dammit!! Get him back in here!"

We both go out after him this time.... bring him in, and tell him to stay put.

Another five minutes, and I hear the dog barking.  I look out, and the boy is walking the dog this time.  

"I got it baby..."  Mr. Man retrieves child for the third time.

I collapse in chair.  

The next day at work, my fellow nurses and I are talking about the storm and stuff.  The conversation turns to the news coverage.  One of the girls says, "I saw that on channel 3... and I said to my husband, 'Who let's their kid ride their bike around downed power lines?'"

And my soul dies a little more.... 

If you wanna see the kiddo's TV debut, click the link.  Forward to about the middle.... I'm so proud. o_O

Yeah.

Yea, I'm still here. And still brilliant... whatever....

Sometimes, I have moments of near genius, I tell you! For real, people, I do!! Ask somebody. Not always, but sometimes. And sometimes, I think I'm having a moment of genius, or at least near brilliance... only it's not.

This was one of those times.

My bathroom sink was running slow. I had no drain cleaner or whatever at the time. It was 6 am... whataya want from me?? So, in what I thought to be a moment of genius, I got out the plunger.

The result? THIS:

Now, I don't know what that shit is, nor do I want to. But it won't drain. I ended up scooping about a half inch layer of "UGH" out of the bottom of my sink after I got all the water bailed out.

Yea... it was nasty. And it's a problem, b/c my bathroom sink is outta commission for now. Booooo!!!

And although my brother and dad are handy in the sense of being easily accessible, well.... I'ma still call a plumber.

WTF?

Well, originally, I was gonna compose a succinct, witty.... nay, pithy!... account of the family antics of the last week. But I lack the mental endurance to relive those precious moments (watch out, y'all... sarcasm drippin' all over the place. You don't wanna slip...)

So, instead, I'm delivering up snippets of stuff I have heard over the last week that has caused a permanent furrow in my forehead.

"Don't worry about anything, I have your weekend planned," my aunt.

"Marc's not here. He'll be my dad when he marries my mom," my son to his teacher at open house.

"Oh, look... whose little colored child?" random distant relative at my uncle's memorial service.

"Wow, those hotdogs look good," same person as above, regarding some boiled hotdogs at the luncheon after.

"You can't leave now, we're going to play pinochle," again, my aunt. I have never in my life played pinochle... that was my mom. She's dead, thanks.

"Mom, can I have a cup of coffee?" Riiiiiight, Eli. I'm not fallin' for that one. I know better than to caffeinate a six-year-old.

Yeah, it's been that kind of week.

Dear PETA

Dear PETA,

What is wrong with y'all? It's NOT ok to kill a fly, eat meat, wear fur, get rodents out of your house or anything that can in anyway compromise an animal's well being, comfort or pleasure, yet this is cool???

PETA Billboard in Florida

What is it you think you are doing if not inflicting emotional pain, gouging at already damaged self-image/esteem/worth and basically being CRUEL?? When I took biology, I was taught that humans are a part of the ANIMAL kingdom. So does this not make y'all somewhat, well, hypocritical??

Somewhere out there is a 14 year old girl, struggling with weight and body image issues just hurt as hell over all that there bull-shiggity!!

I hope you are proud of yourselves....

Don't smash that fly, President Obama.... oh, yeah, Suzie Teenager, you're a whale. Have a PETA wonderful day.

Go Saddown!

I think I'm gonna fix steak tonight.

Yours most contemptuously,

Amymay

P.S.

Kiss my whole entire white whale ass.... thanks.

American Idol Randomness

Can somebody please explain some stuff to me? I have a few questions.
Anybody remember when AI was good shyt? The Ruben and Fantasia Years? J Hud? Even Carrie Underwood? What happened?

Next, has anyone noticed that Paula is slowly but surely losing the power of coherent speech? And why the HELL was she smelling Simon's arm just now? They brought on the other chick, so why isn't Paula in rehab? Or on an island with Amy Winehouse? Wait, on second thought, there probably aren't enough mind altering substances on one island for the both of them.... scratch that idea.

Now, for this year's group of finalists..... Really, Idol???? Seriously??? Why not just gather up the ones from past seasons... including Sanjaya... who were eliminated and let them duke it out? There would be some talent involved then at least.

I just give up.... American Idol is now officially sucking the life out of me. iQuit you AI!!! And Paula, the first step is to admit that you're a hot smokin' mess!

http://tinyurl.com/dhxhnk