So I thought I could outwait them....

How can a child his age have such a proper side-eye game?? I don't get it!! He is truly lookin' at me like I'm outside my right mind!!

For those who don't know, when my mom died I inherited my Dad. Shortly thereafter, my brother's 3rd wife returned him (he wasn't a good fit, made her as* look fat or sumthin'). So, to paraphrase Robert Frost, he had to come home, and I had to take him in... you'd have to have known my mom to understand, really, why I still feel so obligated to her problem children.

But I digress... this isn't supposta be about my codependent tendencies (yeah, I see it, and I said it).

This is about a power struggle. A waiting game. A showdown. Me v.s. Them. A contest of wills.

I entered into said contest certain in my victory. This week, I have surrendered. I give. I just can't anymore.

I freely admit, my dad and my brother are far better at living in a pig-sty than I am.

It started because I was sick of cleaning up after their raggely as*es. I was done. I was fed up, exasperated, infuriated and exhausted... My plan was simple. Fuggetaboutem!! Let them get a taste of a house where no one cleans up after them. Let them see how bad it can get without me following behind them like their mama did. I was sure I would win.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOO....

At first, they didn't even seem to notice the layer of dust and the cobwebs. I think they did begin to notice the lack of clean dishes. They bought paper plates. But since clean dishes and a clean kitchen are necessary for my personal happiness, I soon exempted the kitchen from my strike.

I then thought the ring in the bathtub and the toilet would make an impression. Again I was wrong. And again, I found a clean bathroom was necessary for my personal happiness. So I exempted the upstairs bathroom from my strike.

Do you see the pattern here? None of it mattered to them. It could have fallen down around them before they would have lifted a finger. They were set in their way.

But then my son jerked me into reality.

"Mom, I'll help you if you feel like cleaning the house. It's kinda nasty."

Ouch.

So I explained to him that I was tired of cleaning up after people and was only cleaning up my own messes (and his) from now on. Do you know what he said?

My sweet, beautiful, almost 7 year-old son looked at me, threw back his head, and said......

"BWAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! You're gonna wait a long time for THEM to help you!! But I know how to dust if you want me to...."

He then shook his head at me and chuckled for another good five minutes... like I'm ridiculous or something.

So Eli and I are cleaning the house. Coz WE like it clean...

Have I mentioned lately I love my kid?

Yea, I'm still here. And still brilliant... whatever....

Sometimes, I have moments of near genius, I tell you! For real, people, I do!! Ask somebody. Not always, but sometimes. And sometimes, I think I'm having a moment of genius, or at least near brilliance... only it's not.

This was one of those times.

My bathroom sink was running slow. I had no drain cleaner or whatever at the time. It was 6 am... whataya want from me?? So, in what I thought to be a moment of genius, I got out the plunger.

The result? THIS:

Now, I don't know what that shit is, nor do I want to. But it won't drain. I ended up scooping about a half inch layer of "UGH" out of the bottom of my sink after I got all the water bailed out.

Yea... it was nasty. And it's a problem, b/c my bathroom sink is outta commission for now. Booooo!!!

And although my brother and dad are handy in the sense of being easily accessible, well.... I'ma still call a plumber.

This is for Miss Kendra....

Jon gettn his DadTime on

So, officially, I have about 7 followers... but all the good people I work with at the Ranch read my blogs as well as a good number of my Facebook friends. So when one of my friends at the Ranch makes a special request for me to tackle a topic, I try to oblige.

Kendra made a request today. It is a topic I have previously avoided, b/c the blogosphere is full of stuff about Jon & Kate Plus 8. But since it's Kendra.... Here we go.

First off, I really don't like Kate. She is an emasculating hag, in my humble opinion. Every episode of that show I ever watched was nagging and her perfectionist, OCD-tendencied-ass verbally castrating her hubby. Kate wore the pants in that fam, no doubt. Now, did Jon stand up to her? Not so much. Thus breeds resentment. And that's one thing that is sure to kill love.

So was I surprised when the split was announced. Nope. Did I care much? Nope.

(Although I did feel horrible for the kids. Then when the media circus erupted in their poor lil' faces.... Lawd!! Those poor lil' babes didn't ask to be brought into all that mess.... I see a lot of therapy in their futures... Ain't those kids' fault their parents need to get their collective and individual lives together!)

But here comes the aftermath...

Jon's out clubbin' and movin' on. Kate is making the media rounds bemoaning her lot and getting a lot of sympathy. Like she had nothing to do with the demise of the marriage. If I had been Jon, ol' girl and her crazy ass haircut prolly woulda come up missing... I'm just sayin... I really think, however, if we are truly honest, none of us would wanna be married to that shrew.

I question Jon's choice of gf. She seems a lil' suspect to me, BUT I kinda get where he's coming from, to be truthful. He's feelin' himself and his freedom for the first time in a long time.

As long as he's doing right by his kids, not bending ol' girl over the kitchen table while they're running around the house playing and whatnot, then I say, Hey, Jon! Do you, boo!!

And Kate? Keep it movin' girl. Learn from it. Do better next time. Let ya man keep his manhood... feel me?

Ok, Kendra... I know what you really want me to blast about, and it's forthcoming. Be patient.

See, the reason this sticks in my homegirl's throat (and in mine) is this....

BABY MAMA DRAMA!!!!

Really, Kendra, I think a better couple to mirror your angst is probably Kelis and Nas (now THERE's a greedy heffa!)

The question at hand is this, why, ladies, when your relationship ends do you feel it necessary to make your ex's life miserable (and his new girl's life as well) just b/c he's not with you anymore?

Furthermore, why do you feel it necessary to use your children as pawns in the said efforts?

LET HIM GO!! As long as he's handling his responsibilities with the children-- and I'm talking in time, love, care, and nurturing as well as the finances--you gotta learn to live and let live. Adjust!! Move on!! Learn who you are and what you want out of life. Be mature. Handle your business, and leave that man alone. Let him move on. If he finds love with somebody else, let him be happy. And never forget that God don't like ugly.

Now, with all that said, if the man isn't taking care of his biz, by all means, check him. But don't be petty about shit. What's over is over. Keep it MOVING!!

My theory (I'm full of these, just ask Alise) on this business? When a relationship ends and one partner moves on and finds happiness, the other partner feels left behind. They might not even want the person back.... they just didn't want them to move on first. Or at all. It's all good for me to get over it, but mufugga, you best be miserable for LIFE!!

Back in the day they called that Dog in the Manger... that dog isn't about to eat the hay or grain in the manger that's been put there for the horses and whatnot, but he doesn't want the horse to eat it either!! "I don't want ya, but I don't want anyone else to have ya."

So, there ya have it... another crackpot post on relationships from your friendly neighborhood Spidermom!

(How was that, Kendra?)

I Suck as a Mom today......

Elijah in the car going to school... when I was still a good mommy..

So today Elijah went to First Grade! I got him ready like a good mommy. I gave the pep talk in the car like a good mommy. I gave him a smile, a hug and a kiss as I dropped him off in front of his school like a good mommy.

Then I did the stuff good mommy's do while their kids are at school (and they have a day off of work). No big deal.

So, imagine if you will, my horror when the school called and said.... "We have Eli in the office. School dismissed at 2:00 today."

Ummmmm.... yeah..... I missed the memo. We're going to McDonald's and the park to make up for that one.

Epic Fail!

I think I just swallowed my tongue!!!

Ok, so it wasn't my tongue, but almost. I choked on my sweet tea.

Have you ever been in a room full of ppl (read your b/f or g/f's family) enjoying nice, casual conversation, feeling comfortable, let your guard down and then BLAM!! Someone says something that just totally brings your brain to a screeching halt??

Hmmm... have ya??

Something along the lines of "So, Miss Amy..... when are you gonna marry my son?"

I was taking a sip of iced tea when Marc's dad, the Good Reverend, asked that particular question. I almost choked to death in the effort NOT to do a spit-take. I tried to convince myself that he was playin'. Only, he wasn't. At. all. Period.

I looked at Marc, and he had the NERVE to be giving me this...

o_O

YES... A SIDE-EYE!!!!

I could not believe it!! Relax for one micromilisecond and kablooey!!!

As I glanced at Marc (who was giving me a (o_O) SIDE-EYE, for crying out loud!!), the Rev says,

"Naw, now.... don't look at him! I'm askin' you... arms can be twisted. I'm asking when you gonna marry this man. Don't look at him..."

I realized that all the conversation in the room had ceased. Somebody even turned the dang TV off in the other room!! I was on FULL blast! I think between the embarassment and the choking I might have turned a very vibrant shade of crimson. My ability to form sentences completely deserted me. And I'm sure I tested my Secret Platinum to its breaking point.

I didn't have any words... me, I know, right?? I always have something to say, but I had nuffin! Not a damn thang! I think I might have uttered something like "uhhh....wooooooooow..."

Marc's youngest brother, Marty was my salvation with the following, "Dang, Daddy!!"

After which, everybody (except the Reverend) laughed at my obvious discomfort. But at least the room wasn't silent anymore. The Reverend continued on with "I need some more daughter-in-laws, and you ain't gettn any younger Marcus...."

At which point Marc got his own O_o side-eye, and replied "Don't worry bout it, Daddy. We'll make sure we let you know first."

And just for the record, I'm not makin' any kinda guest list any time soon. How 'bout we just start with joinin' y'all for church and Sunday dinner? On second thought, ingesting anything that might obstruct my airway or fill my lungs with iced tea might not be my best option.... I'm just sayin'...