This is for Miss Kendra....

Jon gettn his DadTime on

So, officially, I have about 7 followers... but all the good people I work with at the Ranch read my blogs as well as a good number of my Facebook friends. So when one of my friends at the Ranch makes a special request for me to tackle a topic, I try to oblige.

Kendra made a request today. It is a topic I have previously avoided, b/c the blogosphere is full of stuff about Jon & Kate Plus 8. But since it's Kendra.... Here we go.

First off, I really don't like Kate. She is an emasculating hag, in my humble opinion. Every episode of that show I ever watched was nagging and her perfectionist, OCD-tendencied-ass verbally castrating her hubby. Kate wore the pants in that fam, no doubt. Now, did Jon stand up to her? Not so much. Thus breeds resentment. And that's one thing that is sure to kill love.

So was I surprised when the split was announced. Nope. Did I care much? Nope.

(Although I did feel horrible for the kids. Then when the media circus erupted in their poor lil' faces.... Lawd!! Those poor lil' babes didn't ask to be brought into all that mess.... I see a lot of therapy in their futures... Ain't those kids' fault their parents need to get their collective and individual lives together!)

But here comes the aftermath...

Jon's out clubbin' and movin' on. Kate is making the media rounds bemoaning her lot and getting a lot of sympathy. Like she had nothing to do with the demise of the marriage. If I had been Jon, ol' girl and her crazy ass haircut prolly woulda come up missing... I'm just sayin... I really think, however, if we are truly honest, none of us would wanna be married to that shrew.

I question Jon's choice of gf. She seems a lil' suspect to me, BUT I kinda get where he's coming from, to be truthful. He's feelin' himself and his freedom for the first time in a long time.

As long as he's doing right by his kids, not bending ol' girl over the kitchen table while they're running around the house playing and whatnot, then I say, Hey, Jon! Do you, boo!!

And Kate? Keep it movin' girl. Learn from it. Do better next time. Let ya man keep his manhood... feel me?

Ok, Kendra... I know what you really want me to blast about, and it's forthcoming. Be patient.

See, the reason this sticks in my homegirl's throat (and in mine) is this....

BABY MAMA DRAMA!!!!

Really, Kendra, I think a better couple to mirror your angst is probably Kelis and Nas (now THERE's a greedy heffa!)

The question at hand is this, why, ladies, when your relationship ends do you feel it necessary to make your ex's life miserable (and his new girl's life as well) just b/c he's not with you anymore?

Furthermore, why do you feel it necessary to use your children as pawns in the said efforts?

LET HIM GO!! As long as he's handling his responsibilities with the children-- and I'm talking in time, love, care, and nurturing as well as the finances--you gotta learn to live and let live. Adjust!! Move on!! Learn who you are and what you want out of life. Be mature. Handle your business, and leave that man alone. Let him move on. If he finds love with somebody else, let him be happy. And never forget that God don't like ugly.

Now, with all that said, if the man isn't taking care of his biz, by all means, check him. But don't be petty about shit. What's over is over. Keep it MOVING!!

My theory (I'm full of these, just ask Alise) on this business? When a relationship ends and one partner moves on and finds happiness, the other partner feels left behind. They might not even want the person back.... they just didn't want them to move on first. Or at all. It's all good for me to get over it, but mufugga, you best be miserable for LIFE!!

Back in the day they called that Dog in the Manger... that dog isn't about to eat the hay or grain in the manger that's been put there for the horses and whatnot, but he doesn't want the horse to eat it either!! "I don't want ya, but I don't want anyone else to have ya."

So, there ya have it... another crackpot post on relationships from your friendly neighborhood Spidermom!

(How was that, Kendra?)

why I'm not all up under him, for my friends who've asked...

I'm gonna expand on my last post a little.  I said I might go into more detail on the "my second time around with my guy" thing.  I do this not so much for the entertainment value as for the need to declutter my brain a little, and express an opinion or two.  (what, ya didn't see that coming?).

Marc (my guy) and I met in late 99.  We were together a little over a year.  I luvs me some Marc.  I always have.  I made a lot of mistakes out of a lack of confidence.  I actually kinda hated myself back then.  Had no faith in myself.  The relationship couldn't stand up to it.  He wasn't perfect either, don't get me wrong, but I really wasn't relationship material back then.  I was briefly involved with another man, and we ended up having a son.  He chose to cut and run.  His loss.  So, I've been raising my son alone with help from my family ever since.  Let me also add, I'd been celibate by choice from the time "baby daddy" dashed til Marc & I reconnected.  

Both Marc and I have moved a few times since then.  Then last fall, we found we were living about 20 miles apart.  We started talking and found the spark was still there.  

So you might think we're all up in each other's face n shyt.  Nope.  We talk or text every day once or twice maybe.  We've taken one trip to Memphis together.  See each other about once a week.  It's working for us.  We both have things we are working toward.  I'm going back to school to get an advanced nursing degree.  He's working on his career in music.  The point is, we have our own things going on.  We're "together" but not up under each other.  

Ok that's all back story for the rest of this. (Yes, there's more.....geez....be patient).

It took me all of my twenties and thirties to figure out how to be ok with and by myself.  It took til I was forty to be a whole, happy, grown-ass woman.  It took that long to learn how to love myself, and others, without needing any one  to make me a whole person.  Damn if I'm not a slow learner!

I have friends who can't go a day without seeing their SO without hyperventilating.  Why?  I don't get it.  Loving someone does not mean you dissolve yourself in favor of coupledom.  I'm there for Marc whenever he needs me and vice versa.  But I know he loves me if I'm with him, at work, with my son, at church or hanging with my girls.  He knows I love him if he's with me, at SoundCore (the music store he works at), on the wheels at the club or in the lab.  It doesn't change out of physical proximity.

I know he has my back and he knows I have his.  It's called commitment people!  It's also called communication.  We tell each other our needs and desires.  We tell each other what's going on, and we are patient with each other.  And we do this without smothering one another.

I've gotten a lot of flack from some of my "relationship bound" friends who apparently don't think our relationship is a "real" relationship.  Because we aren't attached at the hip?  Sorry, but that doesn't fly with me.  What does obsessiveness have to do with love?  What does jealousy have to do with love?  Nada.

I know what I've got.  I know I am loved.  I know it's all good.  And so does he.  Love is what you do, supporting, caring, accepting.  It's in the little things.  It's in having someone enhance you and believe in you, not complete you.  In fact, if you aren't complete in and of yourself, you can't successfully love anyone.  

So to my friends who tell me I'm not in a "real relationship" or  assume what I have with my guy is "casual" I say, it's as real as can be.  It's working for us.  We're good, and we're each other's.  And that's all that counts.

blessings

a

Lessons Learned

I'm in a relationship with a man that I love very very much.  There's a long story and a history behind this relationship, and I may or may not expand on that at some point.  I only mention it to preface the next statement I make.  This isn't our first time around as a couple.  I only mention that to preface the rest of this blog.  I'm gonna talk about learning from mistakes in a relationship and doing things better when you know better.

First lesson:  Insecurity ain't cute.

The first time around, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  I wasn't secure in myself.  I had a hard time seeing in myself what others saw in me.  The result was that I couldn't understand why he was with me, couldn't believe it would last, and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It eventually did drop.  It took several years of changing and growing and learning to love myself before I was ready to accept love.  When I met up with my guy again, after almost seven years, we were both different people in a lot of ways.  The biggest change on my part was that I believe now that I am worth being loved.   He's lucky to have me.  I'm a damn good woman.  I've got my shyt together.  So I'm not a supermodel.  That's minor compared to what I am.  

Second lesson:  Jealousy is some bullshit.

Because I was insecure, I was also prone to trippin' whenever I felt that was an opportunity for someone else to move in on him.  Now I have a different attitude about that.  First, jealousy makes everyone involved crazy.  It makes you feel like shyt, and  it pushes him away.  There are no winners involved.  Second, he's with me by choice!  There are reasons for that, and a slick line and a fat ass shouldn't be able to fux with it.  If some chick can pull my man that easily, there are bigger problems at hand, and being jealous won't fix it.  Shyt needs a major overhaul in that case.  But jealousy?  Naw. That ain't sexy.

Third lesson:  Relationships are between the two people involved.

Your homies might mean well, but guaranteed, if you let them get in your ear, bullshit will follow!

Keep your business your business.  Talk things out with your man, not your girls.  They aren't the ones who can fix things.  

Fourth lesson:  Respect

Respect yourself, your man and your relationship.  Give it the place on the  priority list  it deserves.  Respect begets respect, so get the ball rolling.

Fifth lesson:  Fuck pride.

You can satisfy your pride or you can satisfy your man, but rarely both.  Choose.  I'm not saying throw away your integrity or self esteem or self respect.  I'm talking about no-sense-in-it, damn-if-I-apologize-first, I'll-show-you, pride.  It is corrosive.  It implies keeping score.  It's pointless.

Sixth lesson:  Let Your Man be the Man

Not popular with my Independent minded women, I'm sure.  I'm not talking about being a doormat.  It goes back to everything I've already said though.  And if you're willing to do your part as a Woman, and let him be a Man, beautiful things happen.  For me, it's about respecting his opinions and honoring his wishes.  When he was secure in my willingness to factor his views into my decisions, and include him in making decisions, the potential for compromise, the give and take space, grew exponentially.  

So that's that.  Love it or hate it.  It's working for us this rip.  

Blessings

A