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Saturday, February 7, 2009

Lessons Learned

I'm in a relationship with a man that I love very very much.  There's a long story and a history behind this relationship, and I may or may not expand on that at some point.  I only mention it to preface the next statement I make.  This isn't our first time around as a couple.  I only mention that to preface the rest of this blog.  I'm gonna talk about learning from mistakes in a relationship and doing things better when you know better.

First lesson:  Insecurity ain't cute.
The first time around, I wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  I wasn't secure in myself.  I had a hard time seeing in myself what others saw in me.  The result was that I couldn't understand why he was with me, couldn't believe it would last, and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It eventually did drop.  It took several years of changing and growing and learning to love myself before I was ready to accept love.  When I met up with my guy again, after almost seven years, we were both different people in a lot of ways.  The biggest change on my part was that I believe now that I am worth being loved.   He's lucky to have me.  I'm a damn good woman.  I've got my shyt together.  So I'm not a supermodel.  That's minor compared to what I am.  

Second lesson:  Jealousy is some bullshit.
Because I was insecure, I was also prone to trippin' whenever I felt that was an opportunity for someone else to move in on him.  Now I have a different attitude about that.  First, jealousy makes everyone involved crazy.  It makes you feel like shyt, and  it pushes him away.  There are no winners involved.  Second, he's with me by choice!  There are reasons for that, and a slick line and a fat ass shouldn't be able to fux with it.  If some chick can pull my man that easily, there are bigger problems at hand, and being jealous won't fix it.  Shyt needs a major overhaul in that case.  But jealousy?  Naw. That ain't sexy.

Third lesson:  Relationships are between the two people involved.
Your homies might mean well, but guaranteed, if you let them get in your ear, bullshit will follow!
Keep your business your business.  Talk things out with your man, not your girls.  They aren't the ones who can fix things.  

Fourth lesson:  Respect
Respect yourself, your man and your relationship.  Give it the place on the  priority list  it deserves.  Respect begets respect, so get the ball rolling.

Fifth lesson:  Fuck pride.
You can satisfy your pride or you can satisfy your man, but rarely both.  Choose.  I'm not saying throw away your integrity or self esteem or self respect.  I'm talking about no-sense-in-it, damn-if-I-apologize-first, I'll-show-you, pride.  It is corrosive.  It implies keeping score.  It's pointless.

Sixth lesson:  Let Your Man be the Man
Not popular with my Independent minded women, I'm sure.  I'm not talking about being a doormat.  It goes back to everything I've already said though.  And if you're willing to do your part as a Woman, and let him be a Man, beautiful things happen.  For me, it's about respecting his opinions and honoring his wishes.  When he was secure in my willingness to factor his views into my decisions, and include him in making decisions, the potential for compromise, the give and take space, grew exponentially.  

So that's that.  Love it or hate it.  It's working for us this rip.  

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