Hi! I'm still alive n sh*t...

Eli's birthday party was held at the bowling alley this past Saturday. He and his little minions... I mean friends had a blast. He officially turns 7 tomorrow... Nov. 19. He's growing up so fast!! I love his lil' mocha self!!

So anyone who knows anything about me knows that I have a wonderful kiddo who I love more than socks, chocolate cake, grilled cheese sammiches and air! Eli is smart, funny, creative and sweet. And he luuuuuuuvvvvssss his mama!!

This post is dedicated to him because tomorrow is his bornday!

This is my interview with my son, Elijah. (Pay attention, he's gonna be famous some day!!)

Me: What is your favorite color?

Eli: Red because it's the same color of fire. (Not sure if this should worry me or not...)

Me: What is your favorite book?

Eli: Dinosaur books because they're awesome... their sharp teeth and sharp claws are cool!

Me: Who is your best friend and why?

Eli: I have two best friends. Who are they? First one, Eli H. because he's my neighbor. The other one is Garrick. He lives across the street and lets me play his video games.

Me: What is your favorite passtime? (had to explain "passtime" to him)

Eli: Playing video games.

Me: Even though you don't have a system? (Don't judge me... I would rather he read than play Mario or whatever)

Eli: I also like to tackle people!!! Whenever Garrick has the ball when we're playing outside, I always grab and tackle him. He can never get me.

Me: Do you have any special talents?

Eli: Yes. I can dance Hip Hop. I have really good football talent at tackling. I am learning to play the guitar. That's gonna help me get the chicks!! I write stories for you, Mom. I'm a good reader.

Me: Do you have a girlfriend? (yea, Mom's diggin' for info)

Eli: NO!! Well... Angela, she's a peach girl. I still don't have a brown girlfriend again, but I'm looking. (He's very color literal...*shrug*)

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Eli: In the military. (He's seen GI Joe a few too many times) Or a Hip Hop guitar player, you know, for the chicks... Or a DJ *insert a mimicking of scratch/mix type actions and a fairly good beatbox beat of about 25 seconds*

Me: What's your favorite thing about school?

Eli: Nothing, really... Reading class and library.

So there you have it. Eli's first official interview. And before you ask, yes, he really is that girl-crazy already. I think it's all the hormones in the poultry. But that's a conspiracy for another blog!

Edit: Yes, those are turntables on his Tee... it's his current favorite. I'm just glad it was clean for the party or it woulda been some drama.

Bad Amy!! BAD, BAD Amy!!!

I've been a negligent blog momma lately. I have no excuse for myself. I'll show myself to the corner and think about what I've done....

Ok, not really...

So some randomosity for your perusal...

Fact--I have been pulled over by the Illinois State Police and given (thank you Jesus) a warning citation in EVERY single vehicle I have driven in the last 4 weeks. Seriously. For some bullshiggity, too!! (Burned out light over the license plate on two occasions and 5 miles over the speed limit on the third). One trooper even searched my car because it was after midnight, and when he asked where I was coming from I responded, truthfully, Memphis. Apparently, that was cop code for "illegal stuff in the car." Sorry, Officer Arsehat, I value my child, personal liberty, career and LIFE too much to be that STUPID.

Fact--I checked my myspace page (no, I haven't deleted it yet.... don't judge me!!) and discovered a friend request from my ex-husband. *blank stare* From whom I have been divorced for about a decade n a half.... Yeah.... I don't get it either. Marc was amused. Not sure why. But he's all full of white boy jokes now n whatnot. Funny man, my boo. o_O

Fact--I plucked my eyebrows almost into oblivion tonite. That has nothing to do with anything.

It just is.

Ok, I promise a better post soon, but this is better than nothing. Or maybe it isn't. Oh, well, we'll get over it!

So I thought I could outwait them....

How can a child his age have such a proper side-eye game?? I don't get it!! He is truly lookin' at me like I'm outside my right mind!!

For those who don't know, when my mom died I inherited my Dad. Shortly thereafter, my brother's 3rd wife returned him (he wasn't a good fit, made her as* look fat or sumthin'). So, to paraphrase Robert Frost, he had to come home, and I had to take him in... you'd have to have known my mom to understand, really, why I still feel so obligated to her problem children.

But I digress... this isn't supposta be about my codependent tendencies (yeah, I see it, and I said it).

This is about a power struggle. A waiting game. A showdown. Me v.s. Them. A contest of wills.

I entered into said contest certain in my victory. This week, I have surrendered. I give. I just can't anymore.

I freely admit, my dad and my brother are far better at living in a pig-sty than I am.

It started because I was sick of cleaning up after their raggely as*es. I was done. I was fed up, exasperated, infuriated and exhausted... My plan was simple. Fuggetaboutem!! Let them get a taste of a house where no one cleans up after them. Let them see how bad it can get without me following behind them like their mama did. I was sure I would win.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOO....

At first, they didn't even seem to notice the layer of dust and the cobwebs. I think they did begin to notice the lack of clean dishes. They bought paper plates. But since clean dishes and a clean kitchen are necessary for my personal happiness, I soon exempted the kitchen from my strike.

I then thought the ring in the bathtub and the toilet would make an impression. Again I was wrong. And again, I found a clean bathroom was necessary for my personal happiness. So I exempted the upstairs bathroom from my strike.

Do you see the pattern here? None of it mattered to them. It could have fallen down around them before they would have lifted a finger. They were set in their way.

But then my son jerked me into reality.

"Mom, I'll help you if you feel like cleaning the house. It's kinda nasty."

Ouch.

So I explained to him that I was tired of cleaning up after people and was only cleaning up my own messes (and his) from now on. Do you know what he said?

My sweet, beautiful, almost 7 year-old son looked at me, threw back his head, and said......

"BWAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! You're gonna wait a long time for THEM to help you!! But I know how to dust if you want me to...."

He then shook his head at me and chuckled for another good five minutes... like I'm ridiculous or something.

So Eli and I are cleaning the house. Coz WE like it clean...

Have I mentioned lately I love my kid?

It's called FLAG football for a reason, son!!

The little corner of the Cornfield where my son and I live is a town called Du Quoin, Illinois. It's mostly "famous" for the Du Quoin State Fair (which is totally the shyznitt!! ummmm...fair food!) and for high school football. The Du Quoin Indians are known in Southern Illinois for always fielding a powerhouse team. Twenty-five straight years in post-season playoffs ain't no joke!! This includes more than one trip to the "Big Show" that is the State Championship game. They lost a heartbreaker in the final last year.... I was soooooo bummed about that one...

But I digress....

Part of the fielding consistently good teams is that they start 'em young here. Which brings me (finally) to my topic... my son is playing flag football. But it's really "flag" football in name only. I mean, they all wear the little belts with the tear away flags. And they do grab the flags....eventually. However, those lil' beasts were straight up tackling each other! I stood in utter amazement as I watched these 6 and 7 year olds T-boning, bodyslamming and clotheslining one another. These children, who will whine and cry at a moment's notice when they are with mommy, were knocking the dog poop outta each other! Then there they were, poppin' up to their feet for more like they had springs in their butts!!

The teams are all coached by players from the high school team. I guess to build responsibility and leadership skills... Anyhoo...the parents lining the field were conversing about the positions these munchkins were destined for in 7, 8, 9 years when it is finally their turn to be high school football heroes... And please believe me when I say, these people meant that ish!! It wasn't just idle chit chat about some vague future team... these folks gots plans for the kiddos! Training regiments and the whole banana. They practically have the 2017 team roster finalized!

All the while, these kids are just knockin' the crap outta each other!! On the bright side, I've been assured by several people that Eli is a beast on defense and has a bright future as a defensive back coming down the road!!

Hello, World... what's good?

So I've been rippin' n runnin' around lately. Haven't stopped for ANY foolery for weeks now, and I'm in withdrawal!!

So a synopsis of my latest activities is a totally pointless exercise, because it's all boring, dull, lackluster stuff. The only thing of any real interest is something that's totally not ready to be blogged about... yet.

But I wanted to mention a couple things that have caught my attention... just in passing.

First, someone at VH1 decided it would be a good idea to do a second season of For the Love of RayJay. I can only assume it's the same genius who keeps shoving Real and Chance down America's throats.

Next, Eddie Griffin is on TV whining about being broke but looking like he's doing better than me. Really??? Cry me a river. Is he really still relevant?

And... if you get pulled over on interstate 57 near Ullin, IL at about 1 am on a Sunday nite, don't tell the state trooper you are on your way home from Memphis. He only will then ask to search your car. Apparently, there is something sinister about that.

Ok, so that's not much of a post. It's not even funny. However, it is what it is... just a way of sayin' I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!

Stuff, stuff and more stuff....

Lots going on in the real day to day world of AmyMay... And although the sheer numbers are underwhelming, there are a few people who have asked why I haven't been blogging lately.

To both of you, I apologize. I'll be back on my game soon. There are just a few things that I hafta deal with... mundane and boring things. So I'm taking a page out of Ms. Alise's book and taking a brief hiatus from my online life. I won't be gone long.

In the meantime...

Here's some foolishness for your perusal.

By the way... did I mention I got pulled over the other night?

Yea, I'm still here. And still brilliant... whatever....

Sometimes, I have moments of near genius, I tell you! For real, people, I do!! Ask somebody. Not always, but sometimes. And sometimes, I think I'm having a moment of genius, or at least near brilliance... only it's not.

This was one of those times.

My bathroom sink was running slow. I had no drain cleaner or whatever at the time. It was 6 am... whataya want from me?? So, in what I thought to be a moment of genius, I got out the plunger.

The result? THIS:

Now, I don't know what that shit is, nor do I want to. But it won't drain. I ended up scooping about a half inch layer of "UGH" out of the bottom of my sink after I got all the water bailed out.

Yea... it was nasty. And it's a problem, b/c my bathroom sink is outta commission for now. Booooo!!!

And although my brother and dad are handy in the sense of being easily accessible, well.... I'ma still call a plumber.

I'm afraid of my brain...

Ok, this train of thought started this morning. It's another example of my self-diagnosed ADD. I intended at some point to write about how I start stuff and then get side tracked. But I got side tracked. First by the whole being a bad stan thing, then by Facebook (damn you, Mafia Wars!!) then by G-Chat with Alise, which led me to write something I sent to her.

Then of course, I had to attend to the little things in life, like, I dunno.... the fact that I have a child who must be cared for and fed and attended to and whatnot. Not to mention that he needed to practice his guitar, b/c his slacker of a mother didn't make him practice at all on Friday or Saturday.

Soooooo..... here I am, at 9 pm, writing what I intended to write at 7 am. Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah... my brain is a scary place. It is like an amusement park ride in poor repair. You know, like the travelling carnivals that make you pray they don't throw parts until after YOU get off the dang ride. That kind.

Anyway, I started to blame this on being a nurse. B/c when you are a nurse on a busy medical floor, you have to be able to juggle, multitask and prioritize simultaneously... patient A needs pain meds, patient B just came up from ER and has to be admitted, patient C is being discharged and is anxious to get home, D, E and F are just plain ol' sick and need stuff. You kinda just have to go and figure it all out on the run. Then I realized, no... the whole ADD thing started way before nursing. I'm pretty sure having it is an asset in that sense, actually.

But that doesn't change the fact that a person could get hurt up there in my ol' gray matter. It's cluttered and nothing stays where I put it. Kinda like my house. Which leads me to another thought... I really need to tackle my closets and Eli's room.

Eli's room is an even scarier place than my mind. It is literally a universe of its own. It has its own gravitational pull and nothing escapes it. Imagine swirling galaxies, if you will... it's a very young universe, therefore chaotic and lacking organization.

Sorta like my brain. Which leads me back to the topic... I can't stay focused on one thing longer than five minutes today.

Now what was I talking about?

I'm a bad stan....

I woke up this morning, and while I made the first pot of coffee, I was struck by a thought. I don't know where it came from.... I never really know, that's how my brain works. Anyhooo.... the thought was about another blog I read n stan hard for... Oh Hell Nawl.

A while back, they had an anniversary n whatnot. They asked readers to let them know how/why/what, and all that there, about how the readers came to OHN n what kept them coming back n stuff.... At the time, I really thought I came to find OHN through Luvvie (Luv gets the blame for a lot of ignance she ain't start), but this morning... for some reason, I remembered where I REALLY heard about OHN. It wasn't the LuvBug at all! Not that she isn't awesome... just that she's not the one to blame for my lurking and occasional comments over yonder... which led me to be filled with shame at a crime of omission on my part!!

Follow me here... coz my mind can be a scary place. This is pretty much where the train jumps the tracks...

My introduction to OHN was by a passing remark on Twitter from The PBG. The shame I feel and my crime of omission are not that I gave credit/blame to the wrong person for leading me to OHN.... not at all, but because that caused another random thought to blip across my brain.

I had never truly acknowledged that I stan hard for The PBG's blogs! I have mentioned NaturallyAlise numerous times. I wrote a welcome home post when Luvvie went on vacay this summer. Yet, I have totally neglected to acknowledge and thank the person who left the very first comment on my blog and was my very first follower!!

The PBG is probably one of the coolest people I have encountered on the intrawebs.... She is intelligent, wise, straightforward and funnier that any one person ought to be. She has three blogs... which I have linked through out this post.

Hey, You Asked... is an advice blog. She has this way of cutting through the bs and telling ya what you really need to hear... the truth!! Fifty-two(52)Flavors is her nail blog. Shoot... she convinced me, a nurse, that I could keep my nails looking great, even if I do wash my hands 183 times a day. And then there's See, What Had Happened Was.... which is mostly random life kinda ignance.

I should be mollywhopped for taking so long to give The PBG her props... because she's the bees knees! And I appreciated her encouragement. And she's totally the coolest!

So here it is, for what it's worth... I Stan Hard for The PBG and the whole ePosse. And thank you, Miss Ma'am! You're the Bestest!!

This is for Miss Kendra....

Jon gettn his DadTime on

So, officially, I have about 7 followers... but all the good people I work with at the Ranch read my blogs as well as a good number of my Facebook friends. So when one of my friends at the Ranch makes a special request for me to tackle a topic, I try to oblige.

Kendra made a request today. It is a topic I have previously avoided, b/c the blogosphere is full of stuff about Jon & Kate Plus 8. But since it's Kendra.... Here we go.

First off, I really don't like Kate. She is an emasculating hag, in my humble opinion. Every episode of that show I ever watched was nagging and her perfectionist, OCD-tendencied-ass verbally castrating her hubby. Kate wore the pants in that fam, no doubt. Now, did Jon stand up to her? Not so much. Thus breeds resentment. And that's one thing that is sure to kill love.

So was I surprised when the split was announced. Nope. Did I care much? Nope.

(Although I did feel horrible for the kids. Then when the media circus erupted in their poor lil' faces.... Lawd!! Those poor lil' babes didn't ask to be brought into all that mess.... I see a lot of therapy in their futures... Ain't those kids' fault their parents need to get their collective and individual lives together!)

But here comes the aftermath...

Jon's out clubbin' and movin' on. Kate is making the media rounds bemoaning her lot and getting a lot of sympathy. Like she had nothing to do with the demise of the marriage. If I had been Jon, ol' girl and her crazy ass haircut prolly woulda come up missing... I'm just sayin... I really think, however, if we are truly honest, none of us would wanna be married to that shrew.

I question Jon's choice of gf. She seems a lil' suspect to me, BUT I kinda get where he's coming from, to be truthful. He's feelin' himself and his freedom for the first time in a long time.

As long as he's doing right by his kids, not bending ol' girl over the kitchen table while they're running around the house playing and whatnot, then I say, Hey, Jon! Do you, boo!!

And Kate? Keep it movin' girl. Learn from it. Do better next time. Let ya man keep his manhood... feel me?

Ok, Kendra... I know what you really want me to blast about, and it's forthcoming. Be patient.

See, the reason this sticks in my homegirl's throat (and in mine) is this....

BABY MAMA DRAMA!!!!

Really, Kendra, I think a better couple to mirror your angst is probably Kelis and Nas (now THERE's a greedy heffa!)

The question at hand is this, why, ladies, when your relationship ends do you feel it necessary to make your ex's life miserable (and his new girl's life as well) just b/c he's not with you anymore?

Furthermore, why do you feel it necessary to use your children as pawns in the said efforts?

LET HIM GO!! As long as he's handling his responsibilities with the children-- and I'm talking in time, love, care, and nurturing as well as the finances--you gotta learn to live and let live. Adjust!! Move on!! Learn who you are and what you want out of life. Be mature. Handle your business, and leave that man alone. Let him move on. If he finds love with somebody else, let him be happy. And never forget that God don't like ugly.

Now, with all that said, if the man isn't taking care of his biz, by all means, check him. But don't be petty about shit. What's over is over. Keep it MOVING!!

My theory (I'm full of these, just ask Alise) on this business? When a relationship ends and one partner moves on and finds happiness, the other partner feels left behind. They might not even want the person back.... they just didn't want them to move on first. Or at all. It's all good for me to get over it, but mufugga, you best be miserable for LIFE!!

Back in the day they called that Dog in the Manger... that dog isn't about to eat the hay or grain in the manger that's been put there for the horses and whatnot, but he doesn't want the horse to eat it either!! "I don't want ya, but I don't want anyone else to have ya."

So, there ya have it... another crackpot post on relationships from your friendly neighborhood Spidermom!

(How was that, Kendra?)