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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

why I'm not all up under him, for my friends who've asked...

I'm gonna expand on my last post a little.  I said I might go into more detail on the "my second time around with my guy" thing.  I do this not so much for the entertainment value as for the need to declutter my brain a little, and express an opinion or two.  (what, ya didn't see that coming?).

Marc (my guy) and I met in late 99.  We were together a little over a year.  I luvs me some Marc.  I always have.  I made a lot of mistakes out of a lack of confidence.  I actually kinda hated myself back then.  Had no faith in myself.  The relationship couldn't stand up to it.  He wasn't perfect either, don't get me wrong, but I really wasn't relationship material back then.  I was briefly involved with another man, and we ended up having a son.  He chose to cut and run.  His loss.  So, I've been raising my son alone with help from my family ever since.  Let me also add, I'd been celibate by choice from the time "baby daddy" dashed til Marc & I reconnected.  

Both Marc and I have moved a few times since then.  Then last fall, we found we were living about 20 miles apart.  We started talking and found the spark was still there.  

So you might think we're all up in each other's face n shyt.  Nope.  We talk or text every day once or twice maybe.  We've taken one trip to Memphis together.  See each other about once a week.  It's working for us.  We both have things we are working toward.  I'm going back to school to get an advanced nursing degree.  He's working on his career in music.  The point is, we have our own things going on.  We're "together" but not up under each other.  

Ok that's all back story for the rest of this. (Yes, there's patient).

It took me all of my twenties and thirties to figure out how to be ok with and by myself.  It took til I was forty to be a whole, happy, grown-ass woman.  It took that long to learn how to love myself, and others, without needing any one  to make me a whole person.  Damn if I'm not a slow learner!

I have friends who can't go a day without seeing their SO without hyperventilating.  Why?  I don't get it.  Loving someone does not mean you dissolve yourself in favor of coupledom.  I'm there for Marc whenever he needs me and vice versa.  But I know he loves me if I'm with him, at work, with my son, at church or hanging with my girls.  He knows I love him if he's with me, at SoundCore (the music store he works at), on the wheels at the club or in the lab.  It doesn't change out of physical proximity.

I know he has my back and he knows I have his.  It's called commitment people!  It's also called communication.  We tell each other our needs and desires.  We tell each other what's going on, and we are patient with each other.  And we do this without smothering one another.

I've gotten a lot of flack from some of my "relationship bound" friends who apparently don't think our relationship is a "real" relationship.  Because we aren't attached at the hip?  Sorry, but that doesn't fly with me.  What does obsessiveness have to do with love?  What does jealousy have to do with love?  Nada.

I know what I've got.  I know I am loved.  I know it's all good.  And so does he.  Love is what you do, supporting, caring, accepting.  It's in the little things.  It's in having someone enhance you and believe in you, not complete you.  In fact, if you aren't complete in and of yourself, you can't successfully love anyone.  

So to my friends who tell me I'm not in a "real relationship" or  assume what I have with my guy is "casual" I say, it's as real as can be.  It's working for us.  We're good, and we're each other's.  And that's all that counts.


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