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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Oh, HELL NAW, he didn't!!!


In the interest of fairness, let me first say, the boy has had a rough month. First there was a parent-teacher conference about "less talking, more working" with Mrs. Beard. Then the tummy troubles and trips to the doctor to work out that issue. Then, and probably most profoundly upsetting, the death of his lil' girlfriend, Ashanti.  And finally, yesterday he busted up his lip falling off a skateboard at the neighbor's house.  
But today, I was forced to the conclusion that my son has gone out his natural mind!!


What prompts this conclusion, you might ask?  Well, lemme tell ya.......

It started out as a pleasant Sunday morning.  We got up, got showered and dressed and took ourselves to Church.  When we got to Church, there were the usual members of the congregation there, as well as a few visitors.  Visitors with children.  Lots and lots of children.  Wonderful.....  the babies need Jesus in their lives.

Now, I make Eli stay in the sanctuary with me until after Children's Church.  He is always well behaved, and he loves to sing even if he doesn't know the hymns (he's always on his own tangent during the music).  Well, these new children were not so much well behaved.  Fortunately, they were seated a comfortable distance away from us.  However, when the kiddos were called forward for Children's Church, all sorts of tomfoolery ensued.

These kids acted like they didn't know how to sit still or pay attention....  and our usually attentive, know-the-routine "regulars" started actin' like THEY were new!!  Well, I caught the boy's attention in short order, and shot him straight in his forehead with 
"THE LOOK,"
then held up two fingers--not two fingas, like deuces, 
TWO FINGERS, like this yo second strike, child!!!


The child looked at me like he was estimating the distance between my pew and the dias they were all on, then from the dias to the door.  I could all but hear his thoughts!!!  "Yeah....  I can make it to that door before she gets to me...."  He was givin' serious thought to makin' a dash!  Well, Pastor didn't have sense to realize these hooligans had done got out of pocket until one of the "newbies" knocked over the flag.  At this point, all of the mothers of the "regulars" moved as a single well-maintained mind!  We had the doors and aisles covered and were closing in.

As expected, the children scattered, but to no avail.  There was no escape.  And then, it happened......

I took hold of my son's arm, proceeding to march him back up the aisle to await judgement. I used all three of his Christian names and his Surname, "Elijah Michael Adam C******, you sit your narra little behind in this pew and DON'T YOU MAKE A SOUND!"  As I turned to go help gather the rest of the hoodlums, I hear from my son's mouth:

"KISS MY BUTT, MOM!!"


WHAT????!!!!!????

I swear on every episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Ray-J's ho's that time stopped.  The sanctuary was silent except for the gasp of horror and expectation that the congregation voiced as a single entity.  I turned, sighted my target, and slowly but deliberately closed in.  Some other mamma was gonna hafta clean up the rest.  I had bizness to handle.

The boy's eyes as I approached betrayed his desire to run for his raggedy lil' life, but as the doors were too far away,  he recognized that this was no longer a viable option.  This time, as I got hold of his arm, I felt the trembling of a child who knew, beyond any shadow of doubt that he had GONE TOO FAR!

I won't describe ensuing events.  Let's leave it at this....  he's lucky he still has sleeves!! And, no, I don't think Jesus is mad at me for it.  Jesus didn't ever pop off to his mamma like that, so I don't expect He intends for me to put up with that kinda nonsense.

As for the boy, I wish he would try some mess like that again..... hrumph!!



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3 Comments:

Blogger The Pretty Brown Girl said...

Oh Amy! This made my quite janky day!! I like how you didn't recount the details of the undeniable azz-whoopin' that may or may not officially gone down in that church. No self-snitchin'...but we ALL know what truly went down. Jesus ain't even mad.

Brava, Fellow Mama.

March 23, 2009 at 1:43 PM  
Blogger KindredSmile said...

Wow. Just wow. I'm mad for you! I know that Piggy (my daughter) has already learned to roll her eyes, and she's not even two yet.

It's gonna be a long 17 years.

April 8, 2009 at 11:04 AM  
Blogger amymay said...

PBG--I am convinced that Jesus was in His Heaven sayin' "OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!! Don't you know Miss Mary woulda fed me my teeth...."

KindredSmile--I wanna cry every time I think about how old Imma be when I can finally put the boy out....I mean send the boy off to college.... My luck, he'll either go to one of the several local community colleges or to Southern Illinois University which is a mere 20 miles down the road. He tells me all the time he's never leaving home... Man, I just depressed myself.

Elijah--seriously, baby, I love you endlessly, but IF YOU EVER invite me to your behind again, it will be OVER!! Luv n Kisses--Mommy

April 8, 2009 at 9:34 PM  

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